Becoming

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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.

Day 103 – when dreams hurt

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He lives in the castle of dark blue mist, smells lavender, or at least that is how i like to imagine it. He howls his ballads thru night air, as an effort to take the hand of the moon and ask Her to dance. “A dreamer” i thought of him “The brave one at least” i added the thought. And what that makes me, really. He howls and howls his heart out to the empty sky where the moon resides, in the impossible distance. Woman are in and out of the dark blue mist, the story tells he has been fucking them by the window where the moon can witness, suppose to make Her jealous. His bravery makes me feel so small, my fingers even get numb tapping the letters of “fucking”. I am shrinking, but i can not turn away, believing his words could lead me to my own redemption. Cause, I too want to dance with the moon.

day 101 – the silent weirdo

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when i am happy, deeply content happy, i see colors running thru my fingers in the open air, i see the moon giggling,

when i am down,  i see my self behind an invisible cloak or breathing under water,

when i am excited, i see my self bouncing like bubbles, i see my self harvesting lollipop tree, swirling down rainbows,

when i am anxious, the ground feels like cracking for me, my lung shrinks i can not breathe,

when i am in control, i speak the common language so i can be understood, but yet still….the images in my head would be racing and jumping up and down, bouncing for recognition, that is the time when i lost control and people around me will fade away.

so i choose to shush, just listening and seeing in my mind those normal words  turns into images. And that is how i perceive the world.