the sparks

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IMG_7154Sidhing, Nepal.

It was the last day on the mountain, and i was waiting for my jeep, to go back to town. Did the 4 days trek on the Himalaya, took the Mardi Himal route.

While expecting Machapuchare AKA The Fist Tail to show up behind the clouds, i realized that i ddnt know anything about the mountain i just hiked, the mountain that has been a dream, so i googled HIMALAYA.

Wikipedia did say a lot,  the highest summits, the effort to reach or conquer it. People with passion for the height or the mountains, people with passion.

I guess that was also why i did the trip, the hike. It was not easy, but it was so worth doing. It was everything i did dream of and even more.

IMG_7147Passion is silent power that drives people toward their particular path. It is one’s true self. You can never explain or describe to other people, for it is so personal, except maybe to people who posseses the same drive, tho in different form. Most of the time it is because you, your self, dont quite understand it. But those people will understand the urge, the struggle, the denial.

It will find a way to pull you back in track when you lost direction, when you try to be everyone else. And this is just what it is doing to me right now. Put me back on my track, knowing i have been afraid of losing direction and dont really know how to get back.

And i am blessed.

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will the sand remember

what you drew on it? like your heart does remember, what you have done to it.

I woke up, disoriented this morning, but not about where i am, but more like in time. My heart choked from the dust of the past memories, i was awaken by the eruptions of emotions coming from random events in the past, people that i met, places that i was in. So yeah, i woke up lost, so to speak.

I texted a friend and asked him, when we met. i thought if i know the number of the time i can start tracing whatever there needed to be traced and re-memorize and re-known then i will find my self again. i can re-direct my self. Drop the pin at certain place in past lane to start.

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Becoming

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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.

Day 108 – I wanted to write about life

…..but even saying the word silently would stop my brain from turning as if it s a brand new information it never processed before. It is vast, no definition can ever fit it, no justification is fair enough for it. I would look at my both open hands as if it is something that i can hold and maybe then feel and make sense. I would look back into my memories as if i would easily pull a thread from all the stories that would explain what it is all about.

” I want to write about life” i said it again to no one but my self, and still…i am muted.

Re-definition, re-directing, search for the meanings, but whats there? what then? if we are and everything else is nothing but dust. Truth are the mist we created to cover our selves from nothingness.

I dont even hear any slight echo from anywhere in horizon when i told the sky that i want to write about life. fish-1050x700