Day 108 – I wanted to write about life

…..but even saying the word silently would stop my brain from turning as if it s a brand new information it never processed before. It is vast, no definition can ever fit it, no justification is fair enough for it. I would look at my both open hands as if it is something that i can hold and maybe then feel and make sense. I would look back into my memories as if i would easily pull a thread from all the stories that would explain what it is all about.

” I want to write about life” i said it again to no one but my self, and still…i am muted.

Re-definition, re-directing, search for the meanings, but whats there? what then? if we are and everything else is nothing but dust. Truth are the mist we created to cover our selves from nothingness.

I dont even hear any slight echo from anywhere in horizon when i told the sky that i want to write about life. fish-1050x700

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2016 – the year of shoes

I have never bought as many shoes as i did this year. But i am not and wont be one of those girls who pile their shoes in their closet and never wore most of them, If i want to buy another pair, i gave away the ones i dont wear anymore, and they were still in pretty good conditions. So yeah i got 5 pairs now, based on my need.

When Oprah cant stop remembering how she wanted to have bicycle but she couldnt, in the past, i cant stop feeling so grateful having been able to afford those shoes easily, as when in the past, i remember i wore leaking shoes, that got my feet wet cold when it rained, till i had to ask a friend if she got extra shoes i could wear.

The abundant blessing, that took me a while to adjust and register in my mind, that freaks me out a little. The year didnt start easy, it put me into so many challenging situation that i have never thought i would be in before, but those experiences are so personal that no matter how hard you try to tell the stories people will not understand. It is yours and yours alone. But there this strength and peace that grows inside me that felt so strong that will hold me thru any other rain and storms.

Looking back, not too far back, just the past 355 days, things i had to go thru and still manage to stand here strong, different, better i hope, but i know i am stronger. I am deeply greatly grateful. And i know there are still a lot to learn, still doing my best to receive any tiny blessing, it might come in harsh way but Life is a hard work, Miracle is a hard work.

Thank you UNIVERSE for so many shoes and other tiny big blessings.

my-shoes

 

 

My Chapter 33

It’s so far behind, the seemingly endless rainy days, with my one and only  pair leaking shoes, and with the anger that kept me warm and survive.

And here I am, with more dreams than I used to dare to build, as horizon seems wider than I used to imagine.

Here I am, still trying to feel  Bali as home;  dreaming of India, the free fall from the highest bungee jumping, barbequing marshmallow on Himalaya.

But then again, life it self has become the most exciting and rich journey. And that is how I cheer my self out of jealousy and disappointment for not having the wings that would allow me to fly higher and further. Somehow, it has become my attitude in feeling grateful for my life, with the bitter parts that gets me strong, the sweet that keep me believing in hopes.

Somehow I am feeling the changes inside my self.  Perhaps, I am closer to the truth that I have been seeking, perhaps I can see my self clearer, perhaps I am closer to that core that keeps me breathing, perhaps I have finally make peace with my self, raising my white flag, surrender.  And let the wisdom of time and universe guide me.

I may have not been to all there, I may have not done all that. But I believe I have done my part to know better of my self. I dabbled with the jerks, I crossed many boundaries just to see what lies beyond, I may have gotten lost my way so many times. Yet, surprisingly always find my way back with better understanding on things, but universe is such a huge place that my quest hasn’t come to its end yet.

Lost my job after 3 years, was shocked, tho I had somehow expected it to happen. As life never seem to let me be in a comfort zone for a long time.  And there again I had to say : C’est la Vie

And voila, I am 33 and happier and calmer and braver and so ready to finish the page and open up the new one!