in the woods

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In Between Dauri and Forest Camp, Himalaya

Because they listen, and they were eager to listen to your stories, you can feel the genuine and loving acceptance of who ever we truly are. So i told them my story, how i got here, i told them that some years back i used to want to write a story about a baby chicken which wanted to be able to fly as high as the eagles. She felt so little, every time she looked at the sky and the eagles flew so high with their mighty wings. She wanted to be up there, she dreamed of how everything will look down here. She made little leap each day, despite the warnings of other chickens, how dangerous and stupid it was.

But of course, i never really finished the story, it was written without end on one of my journals that scattered somewhere, abandoned. But the trees reminded me of it. The trees asked me who i am, where i come from, what makes me happy. They kept me walking within my own pace, no rushing, and just BE. I stopped to admire them and listen to my own heartbeats once and awhile. Streaming of thoughts flowing like a river inside my head, i didnt try to justify them, the trees wanted to listen.

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the sparks

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IMG_7154Sidhing, Nepal.

It was the last day on the mountain, and i was waiting for my jeep, to go back to town. Did the 4 days trek on the Himalaya, took the Mardi Himal route.

While expecting Machapuchare AKA The Fist Tail to show up behind the clouds, i realized that i ddnt know anything about the mountain i just hiked, the mountain that has been a dream, so i googled HIMALAYA.

Wikipedia did say a lot,  the highest summits, the effort to reach or conquer it. People with passion for the height or the mountains, people with passion.

I guess that was also why i did the trip, the hike. It was not easy, but it was so worth doing. It was everything i did dream of and even more.

IMG_7147Passion is silent power that drives people toward their particular path. It is one’s true self. You can never explain or describe to other people, for it is so personal, except maybe to people who posseses the same drive, tho in different form. Most of the time it is because you, your self, dont quite understand it. But those people will understand the urge, the struggle, the denial.

It will find a way to pull you back in track when you lost direction, when you try to be everyone else. And this is just what it is doing to me right now. Put me back on my track, knowing i have been afraid of losing direction and dont really know how to get back.

And i am blessed.

Becoming

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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.

Day 108 – I wanted to write about life

…..but even saying the word silently would stop my brain from turning as if it s a brand new information it never processed before. It is vast, no definition can ever fit it, no justification is fair enough for it. I would look at my both open hands as if it is something that i can hold and maybe then feel and make sense. I would look back into my memories as if i would easily pull a thread from all the stories that would explain what it is all about.

” I want to write about life” i said it again to no one but my self, and still…i am muted.

Re-definition, re-directing, search for the meanings, but whats there? what then? if we are and everything else is nothing but dust. Truth are the mist we created to cover our selves from nothingness.

I dont even hear any slight echo from anywhere in horizon when i told the sky that i want to write about life. fish-1050x700

2016 – the year of shoes

I have never bought as many shoes as i did this year. But i am not and wont be one of those girls who pile their shoes in their closet and never wore most of them, If i want to buy another pair, i gave away the ones i dont wear anymore, and they were still in pretty good conditions. So yeah i got 5 pairs now, based on my need.

When Oprah cant stop remembering how she wanted to have bicycle but she couldnt, in the past, i cant stop feeling so grateful having been able to afford those shoes easily, as when in the past, i remember i wore leaking shoes, that got my feet wet cold when it rained, till i had to ask a friend if she got extra shoes i could wear.

The abundant blessing, that took me a while to adjust and register in my mind, that freaks me out a little. The year didnt start easy, it put me into so many challenging situation that i have never thought i would be in before, but those experiences are so personal that no matter how hard you try to tell the stories people will not understand. It is yours and yours alone. But there this strength and peace that grows inside me that felt so strong that will hold me thru any other rain and storms.

Looking back, not too far back, just the past 355 days, things i had to go thru and still manage to stand here strong, different, better i hope, but i know i am stronger. I am deeply greatly grateful. And i know there are still a lot to learn, still doing my best to receive any tiny blessing, it might come in harsh way but Life is a hard work, Miracle is a hard work.

Thank you UNIVERSE for so many shoes and other tiny big blessings.

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