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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.


Day 107 -to be


the world is getting noisier and noisier. here there, every corner is  buzzing sounds and voices. people is struggling to find their own voices among the crowd so they scream louder. i fell into the same stream once twice till my own voice managed to nudge from the inside : what are you doing? i am here. then i would awake and stop screaming, and LIVE.

Day 103 – when dreams hurt


He lives in the castle of dark blue mist, smells lavender, or at least that is how i like to imagine it. He howls his ballads thru night air, as an effort to take the hand of the moon and ask Her to dance. “A dreamer” i thought of him “The brave one at least” i added the thought. And what that makes me, really. He howls and howls his heart out to the empty sky where the moon resides, in the impossible distance. Woman are in and out of the dark blue mist, the story tells he has been fucking them by the window where the moon can witness, suppose to make Her jealous. His bravery makes me feel so small, my fingers even get numb tapping the letters of “fucking”. I am shrinking, but i can not turn away, believing his words could lead me to my own redemption. Cause, I too want to dance with the moon.

Day 102 – words

Like love or the word of love, do i know what they really are? interpretation, the play, the twist, the dance, as much as i want to believe in those characters, into their truthfulness, into their lies, they play my fingers, they whisper, they rule my blank space, they fill my void, empty it out, their demanding existence, arent i nothing but their slave? 

Words, sticky like spider web, hurting like broken glass, comforting lies like the clouds. 

And thus, here i am. 

day 101 – the silent weirdo


when i am happy, deeply content happy, i see colors running thru my fingers in the open air, i see the moon giggling,

when i am down,  i see my self behind an invisible cloak or breathing under water,

when i am excited, i see my self bouncing like bubbles, i see my self harvesting lollipop tree, swirling down rainbows,

when i am anxious, the ground feels like cracking for me, my lung shrinks i can not breathe,

when i am in control, i speak the common language so i can be understood, but yet still….the images in my head would be racing and jumping up and down, bouncing for recognition, that is the time when i lost control and people around me will fade away.

so i choose to shush, just listening and seeing in my mind those normal words  turns into images. And that is how i perceive the world.

Redefinition trip to the east

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”

One road trip by scooter  : Ungasan (Bali) – Lombok – Sumbawa/West Nusa Tenggara – Kelimutu (Flores/East Nusa Tenggara)

Total distance: 1.994 km (1.239 miles) ; 60 hours drive, 28 hours ferry  ( 6 harbors of 4 islands) . July 5 to July 15, 2016.


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I did the same trip back in 8 or 9 years ago, but not as far. Had the urge to just go out there, to be on the road, in the open space. Had been feeling kind of suffocated in the past days.

We rode thru flat busy land and stranded in dodgy hotel on our first night. We were back on the road early morning, and when the dusk hit the air and we entered the wide open space with spread small fishery ponds reflecting the red sky flashing with sunlight and old huts all around, we got our first struck of beauty that we stopped and took the moment to feel it. It was near a city called Bima, and it was, I guess, when this personal trip I take was truly began. The color of the sky, the peaceful air with the sound of familiar calling somewhere far “God, is great!” at the background, took down all my defense, my sense of alertness. I felt light instantly, I felt present, I was there as I am, I breathe.


The east part of Indonesia that I was aiming is considered less developed, but I was surprised that the road is really wide and good, with insignificant bumps. It was pretty easy to get fuel as well, convenience shops everywhere.

Kelimutu was  my destination goal, just for the sake of having a destination goal, it helps me seeing the timeframe of the trip, as I have to get back to Bali at certain time. It lies far east of Flores.  Chose to be completely clueless except for the name of the cities we have to pass along the way, the ride ended up to be such an exciting wonderful experience. We rode thru mountains, forest, rice fields, happy laughing kids, curious look of the locals whenever we stopped for fuel, the coast, with all the twist, curves, sharp turns, road block. Every beautiful surprise at the curve made my heart skipped a beat, that I forgot for a second that I was driving. It is so beautiful I wanted to cry, this abundant joy of being in the nature, feeling free, being in my comfort zone.

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I had my birthday during the trip. I was somewhere in the mountain that day, hanging out alone in the forest, keeping in touch with some friends virtually, feeling blessed to be where I wanted to be. Getting older is an art. There are so much value in it. Despite the very well understanding that time is running out, I felt like I have all the time in the world to do what I want to do or at least to try. My flame is still burning strong but not longer wild. To be in peace with my self, watching and feeling the storm inside that still come and go. Taking all the time to contemplate. Witnessing the genuine beauty of the nature…..

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Redefining my self, redefining happiness, redefining sense of accomplishment, redefining….life.

Exploring the possibilities, then BE.

I wish to be stronger, smarter, wiser,…..bolder.

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