Becoming

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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.

Day 108 – I wanted to write about life

…..but even saying the word silently would stop my brain from turning as if it s a brand new information it never processed before. It is vast, no definition can ever fit it, no justification is fair enough for it. I would look at my both open hands as if it is something that i can hold and maybe then feel and make sense. I would look back into my memories as if i would easily pull a thread from all the stories that would explain what it is all about.

” I want to write about life” i said it again to no one but my self, and still…i am muted.

Re-definition, re-directing, search for the meanings, but whats there? what then? if we are and everything else is nothing but dust. Truth are the mist we created to cover our selves from nothingness.

I dont even hear any slight echo from anywhere in horizon when i told the sky that i want to write about life. fish-1050x700

2016 – the year of shoes

I have never bought as many shoes as i did this year. But i am not and wont be one of those girls who pile their shoes in their closet and never wore most of them, If i want to buy another pair, i gave away the ones i dont wear anymore, and they were still in pretty good conditions. So yeah i got 5 pairs now, based on my need.

When Oprah cant stop remembering how she wanted to have bicycle but she couldnt, in the past, i cant stop feeling so grateful having been able to afford those shoes easily, as when in the past, i remember i wore leaking shoes, that got my feet wet cold when it rained, till i had to ask a friend if she got extra shoes i could wear.

The abundant blessing, that took me a while to adjust and register in my mind, that freaks me out a little. The year didnt start easy, it put me into so many challenging situation that i have never thought i would be in before, but those experiences are so personal that no matter how hard you try to tell the stories people will not understand. It is yours and yours alone. But there this strength and peace that grows inside me that felt so strong that will hold me thru any other rain and storms.

Looking back, not too far back, just the past 355 days, things i had to go thru and still manage to stand here strong, different, better i hope, but i know i am stronger. I am deeply greatly grateful. And i know there are still a lot to learn, still doing my best to receive any tiny blessing, it might come in harsh way but Life is a hard work, Miracle is a hard work.

Thank you UNIVERSE for so many shoes and other tiny big blessings.

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Day 107 -to be

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the world is getting noisier and noisier. here there, every corner is  buzzing sounds and voices. people is struggling to find their own voices among the crowd so they scream louder. i fell into the same stream once twice till my own voice managed to nudge from the inside : what are you doing? i am here. then i would awake and stop screaming, and LIVE.

Day 103 – when dreams hurt

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He lives in the castle of dark blue mist, smells lavender, or at least that is how i like to imagine it. He howls his ballads thru night air, as an effort to take the hand of the moon and ask Her to dance. “A dreamer” i thought of him “The brave one at least” i added the thought. And what that makes me, really. He howls and howls his heart out to the empty sky where the moon resides, in the impossible distance. Woman are in and out of the dark blue mist, the story tells he has been fucking them by the window where the moon can witness, suppose to make Her jealous. His bravery makes me feel so small, my fingers even get numb tapping the letters of “fucking”. I am shrinking, but i can not turn away, believing his words could lead me to my own redemption. Cause, I too want to dance with the moon.

day 101 – the silent weirdo

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when i am happy, deeply content happy, i see colors running thru my fingers in the open air, i see the moon giggling,

when i am down,  i see my self behind an invisible cloak or breathing under water,

when i am excited, i see my self bouncing like bubbles, i see my self harvesting lollipop tree, swirling down rainbows,

when i am anxious, the ground feels like cracking for me, my lung shrinks i can not breathe,

when i am in control, i speak the common language so i can be understood, but yet still….the images in my head would be racing and jumping up and down, bouncing for recognition, that is the time when i lost control and people around me will fade away.

so i choose to shush, just listening and seeing in my mind those normal words  turns into images. And that is how i perceive the world.