Day 102 – words

Like love or the word of love, do i know what they really are? interpretation, the play, the twist, the dance, as much as i want to believe in those characters, into their truthfulness, into their lies, they play my fingers, they whisper, they rule my blank space, they fill my void, empty it out, their demanding existence, arent i nothing but their slave? 

Words, sticky like spider web, hurting like broken glass, comforting lies like the clouds. 

And thus, here i am. 

day 101 – the silent weirdo

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when i am happy, deeply content happy, i see colors running thru my fingers in the open air, i see the moon giggling,

when i am down,  i see my self behind an invisible cloak or breathing under water,

when i am excited, i see my self bouncing like bubbles, i see my self harvesting lollipop tree, swirling down rainbows,

when i am anxious, the ground feels like cracking for me, my lung shrinks i can not breathe,

when i am in control, i speak the common language so i can be understood, but yet still….the images in my head would be racing and jumping up and down, bouncing for recognition, that is the time when i lost control and people around me will fade away.

so i choose to shush, just listening and seeing in my mind those normal words  turns into images. And that is how i perceive the world.

Ro ( one emotion at one time)

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She was the second shadow I saw when I was high that day, standing facing the ocean, fading black figure. The light from the fancy club was behind us, highlighting the waves that gradually slowing down to our vision.

She was hurting, for the cause she knew all too well. It was the old wound that was taking the place happening at that present time. She was hurting for the laughter behind us. She was hurting for denying the deep emotion that struck her once more and yet she let it slipped again. She was hurting that she resist to fall down to her knees and cry. She thought she would know enough how to be vulnerable, but she was wrong. I told her so.

The third fading grey shadow stayed still as I did, just facing the ocean. The white bubble of breaking wave gradually become white sketchy line to our vision.
My wet cold body from swimming the night ocean starting to get warm under my jacket, I wanted to take three of us for a long walk, but my feet buried deep in the wet sand and I was hesitating to leave, hesitating to let the laughter last longer, I wanted to interrupt cuz it was hurting.

Carrying the ache I decided to hide my shadows and came back to where the guy and the other girl sitting and giggling. Lied there and watched the sky and stars and the Mars, the pain lied flat on my back, I forgot about it for sometimes.

Redefinition trip to the east

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”

One road trip by scooter  : Ungasan (Bali) – Lombok – Sumbawa/West Nusa Tenggara – Kelimutu (Flores/East Nusa Tenggara)

Total distance: 1.994 km (1.239 miles) ; 60 hours drive, 28 hours ferry  ( 6 harbors of 4 islands) . July 5 to July 15, 2016.

 

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I did the same trip back in 8 or 9 years ago, but not as far. Had the urge to just go out there, to be on the road, in the open space. Had been feeling kind of suffocated in the past days.

We rode thru flat busy land and stranded in dodgy hotel on our first night. We were back on the road early morning, and when the dusk hit the air and we entered the wide open space with spread small fishery ponds reflecting the red sky flashing with sunlight and old huts all around, we got our first struck of beauty that we stopped and took the moment to feel it. It was near a city called Bima, and it was, I guess, when this personal trip I take was truly began. The color of the sky, the peaceful air with the sound of familiar calling somewhere far “God, is great!” at the background, took down all my defense, my sense of alertness. I felt light instantly, I felt present, I was there as I am, I breathe.

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The east part of Indonesia that I was aiming is considered less developed, but I was surprised that the road is really wide and good, with insignificant bumps. It was pretty easy to get fuel as well, convenience shops everywhere.

Kelimutu was  my destination goal, just for the sake of having a destination goal, it helps me seeing the timeframe of the trip, as I have to get back to Bali at certain time. It lies far east of Flores.  Chose to be completely clueless except for the name of the cities we have to pass along the way, the ride ended up to be such an exciting wonderful experience. We rode thru mountains, forest, rice fields, happy laughing kids, curious look of the locals whenever we stopped for fuel, the coast, with all the twist, curves, sharp turns, road block. Every beautiful surprise at the curve made my heart skipped a beat, that I forgot for a second that I was driving. It is so beautiful I wanted to cry, this abundant joy of being in the nature, feeling free, being in my comfort zone.

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I had my birthday during the trip. I was somewhere in the mountain that day, hanging out alone in the forest, keeping in touch with some friends virtually, feeling blessed to be where I wanted to be. Getting older is an art. There are so much value in it. Despite the very well understanding that time is running out, I felt like I have all the time in the world to do what I want to do or at least to try. My flame is still burning strong but not longer wild. To be in peace with my self, watching and feeling the storm inside that still come and go. Taking all the time to contemplate. Witnessing the genuine beauty of the nature…..

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Redefining my self, redefining happiness, redefining sense of accomplishment, redefining….life.

Exploring the possibilities, then BE.

I wish to be stronger, smarter, wiser,…..bolder.

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