behind images written clumsily,
behind misunderstood gestures
behind an obvious self claim
behind an open book with mirror as pages
behind these words
composing a self definition
after all……you wont see me anyway
“rainbow is the distance of our two hearts” she would think
“rainbow is the curse….or bless? as our hearts always burst with love” she cant decide
every now and then she would go there behind the cloud and fill the pot with the content of her hearts so the rainbow wont die, so he can always reach out for her, or pick up the content of his heart as she always want to reach out for him.
every now and then she would go sitting at the corner behind the cloud to listen to the music he’s playing over the rainbow so she can stop weeping.
every now and then she would stare at the colors that radiates out of her chest in silence with a shield on her hand….
“will he be lost without me?” she would ask
There are moments in my life that i feel i am changing into another state, like adjusting into something else i was not. It may sound like simple changes like putting on dresses and or make up more often than i used to. My friends who know me for sometime would notice the change, and their reactions would be my mirror to reflect, some would say “it’s not you!” , and some would say ” i like it better”.
I never quite do anything or change to impress anyone, i just do it because i feel like doing it, so sometimes people responses surprised me. It did make me think or wonder how actually people define me, how actually i define my self. Does it even matter? It does not for me, but it does tickle me sometimes.
“exploring…defining…being” used that words since i created this blog, but only recently it struck me, despite the fact that i have been using the words pretty often in different term and or situation. I try things to explore what is in there for me, or whether i am that or this, that it would change the way i define my self, being my self.
So what i am really, but the compilation of selves that i created then replaced; a living storage of stories or memories or fragments that made me who i am now. And in time i can start more consciously feel what i am, how i am, it feels like i am building a new puzzle, or reformulating a self or an individual that i can be. And down deeper inside there is this core that stays the same, no matter what wrapping it is covered with; and it will stay fluid.