he saw me not pretty

i was there crying my heart out, in his arms, when city lights beaming out of mist in the distance across beyond the sea. we were gradually on our way down from the high, the point where everything seems brighter everything seems to be more beautiful than them selves, every single thing voluntarily shows their true detail and we cant be anyone else than our true selves.

“i dont want to leave. i want to stay here” i said to him. “you know you cant, but you can always re-visit…..are you okay?”

then i broke…..” no, i am not fine!”……and only in here, in this world where everything seems more beautiful and real, i can say those words. I tried so hard to swallow back what is about to come out on the surface and torn me in pieces, but it had found its way out and i couldnt stop it. i couldnt stop it like i used to be good at. i wished i could just puke it out of me, but it was stuck in my chest and getting bigger, sharper and each time it pulled it self out it felt so damn hurt.

he held my hands, he pulled me into his arms, he told me tales of his broken pieces, he caught every pain dripping within my tears, he was there to keep me together, not minding with the mess he was holding. My heart was blinded by own wounds that i didnt hear his, my ears was stuffed by my tears that i didnt see his. And like any other dreams, you will have wake up eventually.

And as my mind started to gain its power back, it created every denial, it started to cover up what had happened, built up the fences back, and pulled me back at where i was standing and be.

i turned my eyes away not to stare at his, i locked my hands not to touch his, i sealed my lips not to embrace his. i swallowed the whisper “would you stay?” and i locked back the pain he saw, and tried to erase the traces. How easy it seems now once we are back in this world down below. Letting the fears hide us away. Then there, i let him walking away.

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