I was born in this city in 1978. I left it 18 years later, as a girl who just graduated from Senior High School.
16 years afterward, here i am, having my self come back in this city, as a woman.
Time is a distance that you cant break thru, time is the void you have to fill, time is a supreme wonder. Time gives you what you meant to get, and time takes them back for the reason that you would never understand.
12 years i spent away from “home”, for a better life it was said. I was too naive the first time i left, from a suburban life into a big city one. Everything amazed me. But bit by bit, day by day, comes year by year with everything that took time in my life, from one choice to another, that lead me to one place and another; i have come to this point, to this a state of a self, of a being. And here i am, chose to come back home.
What have changed after such time? a lot. The city gets so so crowded. I just imagined my school mates must have babies and probably still live with their parents, so of course the city is getting stuffed with new growing occupants. But maybe there isn’t much changes beside the city appearance. And i suppose, thats what i am about or expect to find out.
Why come back? so much to say on that. After years, living life on the run; wildly denying, hating, swearing never go back, tho underneath trying to understand and see, to be able to accept whatever took place there, taking as big as possible distance from the city. As i grow in time, the battle has worn out.
Why come back? It had become a long conversation with my close friends, try to reason. I know it simply because they care and love me, as much as i do to them. The answer wont stop at : I want my Mama!
Why? After the last 7 years living my life in Bali, I start seeing the same things over and over, feeling the same feeling, nothing excite me anymore, i need changes. Bali had given me so much more than i thought, but my cup is full of bali. I always try to see things from every perspectives, and i dont have any corner left to see about Bali. I have learnt what i meant to learn in that beautiful island. But i still need to grow.
Going back to Surabaya, getting trapped in polluted gloomy tiring traffic, ugly houses rowing along the ugly brown river, the markets are illuminated with disturbing smell from the river next to it, everything seems old and exhausted here. Went to a computer rental to have my document print, the computers are still the one with 14inch curve monitor, found my self smiling thinking of what a freaking fancy thing i have at home. The Public Coin Phone box, where i used to call my friends to get information on school homework after i escape from class, still stands there. Wonder how those boys i had crush on doing.
But those are the life that i used to know, and i feel real when i am among them. It is all surprisingly alrite for me now. Rewinding the old images of the young me messing around. I want to see how i have changed. I want the girl meet the woman, and see how they get along.