Becoming

marek-slavik-rebirth_100x135cm_acrylic_and_oil_painting_on_canvas_presented-by-knupp-gallery-los-angeles

marek-slavik-rebirth 100x135cm_acrylic_and_oil_painting_on_canvas presented-by-knupp-gallery-los-angeles

This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.

Day 108 – I wanted to write about life

…..but even saying the word silently would stop my brain from turning as if it s a brand new information it never processed before. It is vast, no definition can ever fit it, no justification is fair enough for it. I would look at my both open hands as if it is something that i can hold and maybe then feel and make sense. I would look back into my memories as if i would easily pull a thread from all the stories that would explain what it is all about.

” I want to write about life” i said it again to no one but my self, and still…i am muted.

Re-definition, re-directing, search for the meanings, but whats there? what then? if we are and everything else is nothing but dust. Truth are the mist we created to cover our selves from nothingness.

I dont even hear any slight echo from anywhere in horizon when i told the sky that i want to write about life. fish-1050x700

2016 – the year of shoes

I have never bought as many shoes as i did this year. But i am not and wont be one of those girls who pile their shoes in their closet and never wore most of them, If i want to buy another pair, i gave away the ones i dont wear anymore, and they were still in pretty good conditions. So yeah i got 5 pairs now, based on my need.

When Oprah cant stop remembering how she wanted to have bicycle but she couldnt, in the past, i cant stop feeling so grateful having been able to afford those shoes easily, as when in the past, i remember i wore leaking shoes, that got my feet wet cold when it rained, till i had to ask a friend if she got extra shoes i could wear.

The abundant blessing, that took me a while to adjust and register in my mind, that freaks me out a little. The year didnt start easy, it put me into so many challenging situation that i have never thought i would be in before, but those experiences are so personal that no matter how hard you try to tell the stories people will not understand. It is yours and yours alone. But there this strength and peace that grows inside me that felt so strong that will hold me thru any other rain and storms.

Looking back, not too far back, just the past 355 days, things i had to go thru and still manage to stand here strong, different, better i hope, but i know i am stronger. I am deeply greatly grateful. And i know there are still a lot to learn, still doing my best to receive any tiny blessing, it might come in harsh way but Life is a hard work, Miracle is a hard work.

Thank you UNIVERSE for so many shoes and other tiny big blessings.

my-shoes

 

 

Day 107 -to be

rose_by_alice_ling_on_flickr_small

the world is getting noisier and noisier. here there, every corner is  buzzing sounds and voices. people is struggling to find their own voices among the crowd so they scream louder. i fell into the same stream once twice till my own voice managed to nudge from the inside : what are you doing? i am here. then i would awake and stop screaming, and LIVE.