In the world where everything is OK

Feels like my brain and the illuminated chaotic thoughts has suddenly stopped.

“We had crawled out the darkness, so lets just chill and enjoy!” A voice

“Are we giving up? Really? No, we are not. I thought we aim for the world?!?” Another voice

“Yeah! Look we havent written anything for far too long, this is not good, we are dying” the third voice

“Lets go see some rivers, some trees, they will know how to open our doors, rejuvenate our soul, it is just too noisy here, we cant hear each other ” different voice than the three.

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2017, when other great things happened

The Mrs Sippy Bali Launching, March 15, 2017

I used to have a silent desire, that i want to boost like a rocket, if only i am given chance. But life is never about destination, never about being finally into the space beyond our atmosphere.

And here i am, not really out of space, but at the point i have never thought i would be. From that time when i had the silent desire to here. Lost count of how many years, of how many milestone, not the numbers that matter anyway, but what i learned, how i grow, how i have changed.

It was and still is the biggest project of an entrepreneurship i have been work for. Millions of Dollars project that is now running with hundreds staffs.

 

The Hike, 28-31 October 2017

This was the dream that felt more like an echo, come and go in the back of my head and left light mark on my heart like a trace on wet sand.

I was traveling solo, but it was like traveling with the whole gang, inside of me, still. For the first time, I felt synched, internally. No debate no arguments, only happy questions and answers and a lot of silence. For the first, I felt completely present in the moment, no one wants wander away and I dont have to drag anyone along, we want to absorb every second of it.

The walk inside the forest was the most calming yet content walk i have done in my life, it was a series of long deep contemplation of who i was, who i am. No questions asked, as if i am telling my stories to the trees, which patiently and gently listening.

Never seen snow before, and i walked on frozen mud, and wrote my name on snowy table outside hostel. Everything there was mesmerizing that i think i was smiling the whole time. And i was finally closer to the summit, stood in great silent. Everything seemed stop together with my heart beat. The beauty from that up close is so majestic. All the rough time in the past was redefined there.

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who i am for me

it is always interesting the way people seem to try to build perspective toward them selves. the way they pose in pictures, or especially in this  mainstream of selfie, wefie or however they call it, i have never been good at following trend or mainstream. Now that we have not only facebook, but instagram, etc, to provide the space.

I always feel awkward with my self to be in any picture, always thinking it is not really me, and i dont like to be defined in a particular picture, it s like i am trapped. i like to think my self as flowing river, changing every time, i prefer to define my self in words not shape, words evolves as much as the mind and the growth of the spirit. I can of course force my self to fit in pictures, but i hardly like the results, they never seem to be genuine. I always fail to act as what i forced or expected my self to look like. I tend to refuse any photo moments, except that i am forced to appreciate other’s wish for photos.

But i enjoy, the way people try to picture them selves in photos, it is the implementation of the ideas of who they believe they are or will be perceived. But sometimes annoyed at how obsessed people to look good in the pictures.

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in the woods

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In Between Dauri and Forest Camp, Himalaya

Because they listen, and they were eager to listen to your stories, you can feel the genuine and loving acceptance of who ever we truly are. So i told them my story, how i got here, i told them that some years back i used to want to write a story about a baby chicken which wanted to be able to fly as high as the eagles. She felt so little, every time she looked at the sky and the eagles flew so high with their mighty wings. She wanted to be up there, she dreamed of how everything will look down here. She made little leap each day, despite the warnings of other chickens, how dangerous and stupid it was.

But of course, i never really finished the story, it was written without end on one of my journals that scattered somewhere, abandoned. But the trees reminded me of it. The trees asked me who i am, where i come from, what makes me happy. They kept me walking within my own pace, no rushing, and just BE. I stopped to admire them and listen to my own heartbeats once and awhile. Streaming of thoughts flowing like a river inside my head, i didnt try to justify them, the trees wanted to listen.

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the sparks

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IMG_7154Sidhing, Nepal.

It was the last day on the mountain, and i was waiting for my jeep, to go back to town. Did the 4 days trek on the Himalaya, took the Mardi Himal route.

While expecting Machapuchare AKA The Fist Tail to show up behind the clouds, i realized that i ddnt know anything about the mountain i just hiked, the mountain that has been a dream, so i googled HIMALAYA.

Wikipedia did say a lot,  the highest summits, the effort to reach or conquer it. People with passion for the height or the mountains, people with passion.

I guess that was also why i did the trip, the hike. It was not easy, but it was so worth doing. It was everything i did dream of and even more.

IMG_7147Passion is silent power that drives people toward their particular path. It is one’s true self. You can never explain or describe to other people, for it is so personal, except maybe to people who posseses the same drive, tho in different form. Most of the time it is because you, your self, dont quite understand it. But those people will understand the urge, the struggle, the denial.

It will find a way to pull you back in track when you lost direction, when you try to be everyone else. And this is just what it is doing to me right now. Put me back on my track, knowing i have been afraid of losing direction and dont really know how to get back.

And i am blessed.

will the sand remember

what you drew on it? like your heart does remember, what you have done to it.

I woke up, disoriented this morning, but not about where i am, but more like in time. My heart choked from the dust of the past memories, i was awaken by the eruptions of emotions coming from random events in the past, people that i met, places that i was in. So yeah, i woke up lost, so to speak.

I texted a friend and asked him, when we met. i thought if i know the number of the time i can start tracing whatever there needed to be traced and re-memorize and re-known then i will find my self again. i can re-direct my self. Drop the pin at certain place in past lane to start.

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Becoming

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This feeling of content at times comes as a complete emptiness, a void at the very back of my head demanding fulfillment. Life is a bore at this stage, thinking everything is temporary, then whats there left to do. Thoughts; feelings, evolving, shifting, wildly and fast, like they can’t never decide a definition. And I am the one who is standing here, waiting for a conclusion.

Empty hands struggling to grasp the air, as if I could do it and shape it I would understand the whole idea of what Life is.

But this is also one of those time, so personal, something delicate is taking shape inside, the strongest voice I hear is “patient!”, ego would judge me as coward for not making any moves.

“You have become the person you wanted to be, tho you could never see it. And you know the Universe is vast. Every conclusion is another beginning of a new quest” says the voice at the back of my head.